An Incomplete List of Absolute Facts About Jerry Stackhouse

Jerry Stackhouse Brooklyn Nets
Photo/Paul J. Bereswill
Jerry Stackhouse Brooklyn Nets
Photo/Paul J. Bereswill
  • Jerry Stackhouse’s earthly body was born November 5, 1974, less than a week after the Rumble in the Jungle.
  • Jerry Stackhouse was born in Kinston, North Carolina, a city insecure enough to call itself “an All-American City award winning city” in the first sentence of its Wikipedia page.
  • Jerry Stackhouse’s career began on November 3, 1995, the same day the Toronto Raptors franchise played their first game. Three days later, Queen released their final studio album Made in Heaven. The album goes on to sell over 20 million copies worldwide.
  • On November 13, 2012, Jerry Stackhouse took 24-year-old Omri Casspi off the dribble and layed in an uncontested finger roll in a professional basketball game.
  • In the 6,222 days since Jerry Stackhouse’s career began, the United States has had five presidential elections, seven different teams win NBA championships, nine posthumous Tupac albums, 377 episodes of The Simpsons, six first overall NBA draft picks who have either retired or are not playing in the NBA, and the movie “Belly” and its accompanying soundtrack.
  • The Nets officially signed Jerry Stackhouse on July 16th, 2012 as a player-assistant coach.
  • Jerry Stackhouse beat the Brooklyn Nets in a game of knockout this morning.
  • UNC grad Jerry Stackhouse posted up Duke grad J.J. Redick relentlessly in his two games against the Magic this season because Jerry Stackhouse hates J.J. Redick and anything Duke with every fiber of his being. (One possible exception: Duke grad and semi-boss Billy King, who he probably merely holds some resentment for. The nature of a competitor and fire-breathing mastodon like Jerry Stackhouse.)
  • Staring directly into Jerry Stackhouse’s eyes for more than seven seconds can either send you to nirvana or turn you to stone. It is at Jerry Stackhouse’s discretion which direction you go.
  • Jerry Stackhouse has played 10% of available minutes this season and has a simple rating of +42.3. It is the highest number in the NBA of any player that’s played more than 1% of his team’s minutes. Next on the Nets is Brook Lopez at +10.
  • Jerry Stackhouse has the best plus-minus on the Brooklyn Nets by a full 10 points.
  • Dime Magazine has a list called “The Top 5 Times Jerry Stackhouse Beat Down a NBA Player.” #1 is accompanied with the following video:

  • In 2000-2001, Jerry Stackhouse led the NBA in points, field goal attempts, free throws made, and turnovers. The year before, he led the league in free throws made and turnovers. He has never led the NBA in any efficiency or rate statistic.
  • The three best 2-man lineups for the Nets in defensive rating, minimum 30 minutes: Andray Blatche/Jerry Stackhouse, C.J. Watson/Jerry Stackhouse, Reggie Evans/Jerry Stackhouse.
  • While searching for loose rubles to give to townsfolk, Jerry Stackhouse wandered into a depopulated 15,000-acre forest, once filled with creature and culture but now decimated by a legendary monster. Stackhouse’s boredom drew him further into the forest, and after three weeks of searching, he discovered the monster: a 70-foot Ophiotaurus. Upon meeting the beast, Stackhouse stood square to the Ophiotaurus (who wore a necklace with the name “Freddy”) in a defensive stance, closed his eyes, and cackled. Opening his eyes seconds later, Stackhouse found Freddy was gone, the sun was shining through the trees, and the forest was fully green and full of life.

    Though burning the entrails of the Ophiotaurus could give Stackhouse the power to defeat gods, Stackhouse didn’t want to take such a drastic step backward, and decided instead to tear down the forest with his toes and build The Jerry Stackhouse Shrine. Today’s lesson: Jerry Stackhouse don’t care nothin’ about nobody.
  • Jerry Stackhouse currently has a PER of 21.5.
  • Jerry Stackhouse has worn the number 42 at every stop in his career except for a 2010 stay with the Milwaukee Bucks, where he wore 24. He played in Milwaukee for 42 games.

  • I have given Jerry Stackhouse an A+ for every grade so far because Jerry Stackhouse.
  • Jerry Stackhouse has an offensive rating of 146, which would rank as the best of all time by a wide margin if it were for a full season. His offensive rating will likely decline as the year progresses because Jerry Stackhouse doesn’t like attention or accolades, just destruction.