Nets Lose Mostly Meaningless Coin Flip, Ensuring Franchise Will Probably Suck Forever

The Brooklyn Nets lost a coin flip to give one of 1,000 combinations of ping pong balls to the Sacramento Kings, confirming to the world that the franchise is a complete and abject failure, and that no fan should ever have any reason to root for such a pathetic team.

In dropping from the juggernaut 7.6% odds of winning the lottery to the pathetic 7.5%, the Nets guaranteed that Anthony Davis will never play for the team, Deron Williams will bolt for Dallas, Brook Lopez will tear both his arms off at the shoulders, Billy King will trade Atlantic Avenue for DeSagana Diop, and the team’s practice facility will spontaneously combust on the eve of the team’s first preseason game.

Upon hearing the Nets now have just a 25.3% chance of keeping their pick (as opposed to the once-possible 25.4%), Mikhail Prokhorov immediately sold the team back to Bruce Ratner for an iPhone charger and two pairs of XXL sweatpants autographed by Kerry Kittles.

Rumors that the Nets tanked the coin flip intentionally are unconfirmed, though one eyewitness says that Sundiata Gaines was seen at the proceedings attempting to block the coin away as it reached the floor.