1. I might be able to do a better job than Nancy Newman. I might even be able to make that hairstyle and shirt work with a beard.

    No offense or anything. She tries hard. She just doesn’t seem to ever correlate what she’s reading and what’s happening on the screen.

    If it was 2005, I’d totally be qualified for the position. Now, the only position i’m qualified for is sitting on the couch in my underpants complaining about Nancy Newman, while I shove Doritos in my ugly mug.