To Whom It May Concern:
Below you’ll find our updated version of How To Win A Basketball Game As Disappointingly As Possible, courtesy of the Brooklyn Nets and their 93-90 victory over the hapless Detroit Pistons.
- Allow a clearly inferior team to lead after each of the first three quarters;
- Register a plus-minus of -6 with your starting lineup against a starting lineup for an 18-31 team that has played all of 12 minutes together;
- Shoot 35.6% in the first half against a defense that allows 44.5% shooting;
- Have a high scorer at the end of said first half named “Reggie Evans”;
- Pay a backcourt roughly $188 million over the duration of their contracts to watch them shoot 9-25 from the field;
- Have a maximum-contract point guard in that backcourt who commits six turnovers against a team that’s fourth-worst in the NBA at forcing turnovers;
- Allow zero-guard Will Bynum to record nearly as many assists as said maximum-contract point guard in 15 fewer minutes;
- Play a floor-spacing power forward whose primary (read: only) NBA-level skill is outside shooting, and he shoots three shots — all airballs;
- Allow a game against a team headed to the lottery to come down to the final possessions;
- Barely squeak out a victory even as the team’s record-setting prospect goes down early with an injury and would not return;
- Barely squeak out a victory despite allowing the opponent to shoot just 3-17 from three-point range;
- Barely squeak out a victory despite drawing 10 more fouls than your opponent;
- Get outscored 17-2 in transition to a team that plays a pace nearly as slow as your league-slowest;
- Commit all of these heinous, victory-sapping acts against a team that has roughly seven people in attendance, including media members.
We hope you take these thoughts into consideration the next time you’d like to nearly give your fans a heart attack.
Thank You For Your Time,
-The Brooklyn Nets